Tea is my typewriter

Her

See when he’s deid? The first thing I’m gonnae dae is get rid o’ they bloody antimacassars. I cannot stand them, and I cannot stand the way I huv tae give houseroom to stupid wee bits o cloth just because o his greasy flakey heid. It was bad enough when he actually had hair and he wore the brylcreem, but now he’s baldy and I still huv tae look at them and wash them because he leaves wee scabby bits o himself where he sits.

Him

She when she’d deid? Dae ye know the first thing I’m gonnae do, it’s get rid o’ they bloody antimacassar things. She’s hud them on the back o’ the chairs and the settee since we got married, and I hate them. Stupid wee scrappy bits o’ cloth and it’s just like her tae keep fussin and keeping things clean – who cares? Naebody’s worn brylcreem in that hoose in aboot 30 year, but she insists on them. No, they’ll be in the bin as soon as she’s gone.

Her

Dae ye know what else’ll be gone when he’s no aboot? Stovies. I wouldnae make stovies if he wisnae here. He loves them, eats them all up every Wednesday night since we got married! But I hate stovies. Fifty years o’ stovies, that’s enough, don’t you think?

Him

I’ll no miss her stovies either. I’ve been eating her stovies every Wednesday night for fifty year, exactly the same taste every time. It’s just bloody boring, isn’t it? It’s dead easy for her tae make, so I dinnae complain, but I’d happily never eat stovies again.

Her

I’ll no miss his serial philandering either, of course. See when they all nudge each other when I walk into the bingo, because he’s been shagging the latest barmaid up the Legion? I’ll be glad when that’s over. That’s been going on as long as the antimacassars, I can tell ye.

Him

D’y’know what I will miss though? Always having someone tae come home tae. She’s seen me through thick and thin, that wummin. That’s why I put up with the stovies and the antimacassars, because she’s always there fur me. So, here’s tae her. Let’s hope I’m no chuckin the antimacassars away any time soon.