I always wanted to be a goddess. I’d had a fairly traumatic childhood, which we don’t need to go into here, suffice to say that a book of Greek and Roman myths was very influential in my teenage years.
What resonated with me was the worship. The greats – Athena, Demeter, Persephone – they only interceded when the fancy took them, and their blessings were seldom related to need or worthiness: but nonetheless, mortals would still bring offerings to appease them. I loved this idea.
All of the classic goddesses had a specific skillset and a zone of genius, and they were benevolent and malevolent in equal measure. That, I thought, is the life for me.
By the age of 17, despite years of wishing and hoping, I still wasn’t a goddess. It was time to take action. I went to the library and devoured the self-help section. This taught me the valuable lessons that have got me where I am today.
- Set clear and achievable goals.
My first step forward was achieving clarity on my desired skill set. I never wanted, for instance, to raise the dead, or to control the weather. I chose to focus on healing, clairvoyance and retribution, and set about developing my skills accordingly.
- Transformation requires small changes, repeated daily over many years.
Consistency beats intensity. My daily practices included myofacial release – it works like magic to relieve pain, and really, all it involves is standing still and touching people; reading tea-leaves, and kickboxing. A couple of hours of each, day after day, really added up over time.
- Believe in yourself, and others will follow.
This was a breakthrough. Believing that I was a goddess took a lot of introspection and meditation, but when I did – bam! I started carrying myself appropriately, presenting an air of power, walking taller, paying attention to all of my little movements and intonations. “How would a goddess eat this sandwich?” or “How would a goddess take down this shoplifter?” became my daily questions.
- Bring value to those you serve.
Getting my first believer was the biggest turning point. His name was Bruce, and he’s with me still. He fell at my feet the first time I touched him. I let him worship me, and I responded with inconsistency, which of course is the best way to maintain his interest.
Yes, inconsistency. Of course you don’t give people what they want all the time! Think about a slot machine, and how addictive it is. If it paid out every time, you’d get bored. But it’s the uncertainty, the capriciousness, that’s what keeps people coming back.
Some days I’d relieve Bruce’s gout, but mostly I wouldn’t. That was enough for him to keep workshipping me, and more importantly, for him to spread the word. Soon that one believer became two, two became four, then enough to fill a garage, and soon enough that I needed some fitting premises.
This beautiful converted church is now my temple. The truth is that where belief goes, money follows. I’m not looking for financial reward, but I do deserve somewhere worthy of my work.
- Control your environment.
I don’t allow other deities to visit, so no mobile phones, absolutely no social media, televisions, cash or what you’d call “men of the cloth”. There’s no doubt that my retribution has been going better now that some high ranking judiciary and law enforcers are amongst my believers.
- Giving rewards for desired behaviours make habits easier to maintain
I did struggle with the malevolence to start with. I was raised in a patriarchy and it’s not something that is generally encouraged amongst women. But it’s part of the goddess mission, so I built my malevolence muscle. I would reward myself with a bar of Dairy Milk each time I managed some vengefulness. As a result I find that these days, smiting actually makes me salivate.
- Practice self-care
I take lovers. I like a bubble bath. I like to look out of my temple at sunset and appreciate all that I have created here. Now that I’ve got what I wanted, I feel happy and fulfilled.
The best thing about being a goddess is the worshippers. That never gets old.
The worst thing is the hours. People come looking for intercession at all times of the day and night, and there are no public holidays. It’s just as well I don’t respond to all that many prayers.
To any young girls out there thinking of becoming goddesses, I’d say it’s probably best to back off. This is my market, and, as I said, I’m really good at malevolence these days.
Tea is my typewriter 